Having It All

sunset on Green Lake

I had an interesting conversation with my daughter last night. For the last 2 years, all I have heard was that she wanted a DSi — a handheld video game system that “everyone” has. She had a DS, but no. She needed a DSi.

I’m talking TWO YEARS I’ve been getting grief over this highly coveted piece of electronic equipment!!!

For her half-birthday party last month, I found a used DSi on Craigslist that I purchased and gave to her. She loves it and has thanked me for it numerous times over the past few weeks.

Well, that lasted all of three weeks because last night she sprung a new one on me.

Everyone has an iPod Touch, dontchaknow.

We have an iPod Touch — it’s a family iPod Touch. Each child has his/her own playlist, and there are a multitude of games downloaded to the device, and they share it. Months go by when the thing isn’t used, but recently it has been quite the object of desire. Countless squabbles this week have erupted over the possession of the iPod Touch.

Now I’ve been informed that an iPod Touch is the current must-have electronic gadget among the pre-adolescent set.

I spent last evening waxing eloquent about why we cannot have everything we want, and why it is good for us to not get everything we want, and how we cannot find contentment when we are constantly comparing our material goods to that of our friends.

I used examples from my own life, and when that didn’t cut it, I finally pulled out the big guns and played the “kids who have less than you” card. I tried to explain how some kids don’t know if there will be dinner on the table, and how some kids come home to parents who aren’t even there or just don’t care.

No matter what I said, there was a reason that it is simply NOT FAIR that she does not have her own iPod Touch, in addition to the DSi and oh yeah. She would also like an iPad, a laptop and a cell phone. EVERYONE ELSE DOES.

Where have I gone wrong, I ask you?????


I sighed in defeat and left her room with an affectionate kiss on the forehead and then proceeded to my son’s room where I regaled him with the tale and got an appreciative chuckle over the inane conversation.

But I can’t help but reflect on the conversation and wonder. How can I expect a child who has almost everything she has ever wanted to truly “get it”? I realize that perspective will come in due time, and I’m not all stressy over this or anything. But how DO we teach our kids that they can live quite happily without every latest gizmo and gadget?

Simply by saying “no” and sticking to it, I suppose. Which is fine. I can do that. In fact, we do say no a lot. Which is probably why I don’t get why we are treated to the “it’s not fair” mantra so much. You’d think they’d learn eventually.

**And no, that photo has nothing to do with this post. I just love it. My husband took it one evening in Maine.

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48 Responses

  1. Thanks for sharing this! I’m struggling (daily) with hearing the “I wants”. There’s always the next big thing around the corner and we struggle to raise grateful kids.

  2. I was *just* having this conversation of entitlement with someone recently. I have no proven answers but I believe gratefulness always battles greed. Perhaps having them write thankful lists every day in a special way? I’m pretty sure I saw some different activities to do around Thanksgiving last year. My friend is planning on taking her kids on a stateside missions trip so they can actually see the needs.

    1. I do think we need to find ways to show them families in need – maybe through helping at a soup kitchen or something. They are so insulated, and it’s not really good for them, I don’t think.

  3. I don’t have the perfect answer BUT there are certainly things you can do as a family to promote *Non instant gratification.* Example: Plant tulip bulbs…or any bulbs. Talk about how you plant them but it takes time for them to bloom. The process of waiting is part of life. When the tulips bloom they see that there IS beauty in waiting on things. Another example is working for and saving towards their item of choice. They SEE how hard it is to get enough $ to purchase said item. Not that this is an instant fix, but MAYBE it will help. Peer pressure is TOUGH…at any age!!! 🙂

    1. I do have to say that since the girls have started their chore chart and have to save for any toy, it has helped tremendously with their concept of cost.

      1. We do chores and allowances, but we are really lax about it, which is not good and defeats the purpose. Hoping to get on a really good schedule this fall and then perhaps I can encourage her to save for it. The thing is, no 8-year-old (in my opinion) should have her own iPod Touch. Sheesh. It seems like it is something a kid should wait for. These kids have so much so young… there’s nothing to look forward to!

  4. I just had a very similar conversation with my 7yo last night. It ended in her tantrum. She tends to talk to herself in these states so I listened outside her door. Apparently, no one else gets “treated this way”. She informed me later that she has “a very rough life”. Hahahaha. I would love to know where this stuff comes from!

  5. I’ve one who, after getting his birthday present (was just a funny tee-shirt, something he loves and the ONLY thing we could afford at the time) told us it wasn’t enough and then started listing things we should get him. He’s 19 (was this year) and has always been that way. I also have one who smiles whether he gets something or not, shows appreciation for the thought and never really asks for anything. He’s always been that way.

    The one I have that (almost) never asks for anything and is always appreciative is working and paying his bills himself. IF he ever borrows money, he pays it back exactly when he says he will. Every time. The 19 year old? Doesn’t pay his bills, blows his money and always has a hand out. They are polar opposites and have the same parents, the same upbringing. For us it blew out in epic proportions when my 19 year old hit his teenage years. Be firm now and keep at it.

  6. I agree that it is difficult to get through to the kids about want vs. need. If she keeps persisting that this is the ‘must have’ item why not consider letting her earn the money to purchase one of her own. Not only will she have to work for it, but by the time she actually earns the money she’ll probably have lost interest. But, at least she’ll know the value of hard work and the dollar!

  7. It seems that many of us are struggling with this. My family is fortunate enough that we can afford almost all our “I wants” (well except the really big ticket things). My son has way too many toys and has never known what it’s like not to get anything his little heart desires. But recently after looking around my house and seeing all the stuff we’ve accumulated and dealing with a child who thinks every trip to the store means he will get something I’ve been feeling like we’re teaching our son the wrong thing. I don’t want him to grow up thinking things are the way to happiness. My husband and I love buying things for him because we can but at some point enough stuff is enough. The child is starting Kindergarten next week and I am dreading the peer pressure that is out there to own even more stuff.

    I think this need to have things has ingrained itself so deeply in American culture that it’s hard for any of us to find a balance. As parents we want to make our children happy and we want them to fit in with their peers but I think maybe in the last generation or two we’ve gone a little overboard in the significance we place on owning “stuff”. I’m trying to re-evaluate my own values so I can teach my son a better way.

    Good luck in your quest to rein in “I wants and I have to haves”.

    1. I sympathize with your situation. I really do. But I’m wondering about your comment “we want to make our children happy” and “to fit in with their peers.” Is more stuff going to make them happy? Or is there something else, probably less tangible, that would be better for your child? No child will ever fit in with their peers all the time, I’ve learned (I have three teenagers). No matter how much stuff you have, junior high kids will still be mean. Kids need so much more than just “stuff.”

      1. Especially the girls (re: kids being mean). I have 3 adult sons and one teenage daughter. It’s amazing how girls treat other girls that ‘don’t have’ sometimes. I try my hardest to help her understand that it’s not what you have (gadgets, waist size, clothes, …) on the outside but how you feel when you look in the mirror, on the inside. No one has every single perfect thing and in a large extent, I think she gets that. She does struggle with the concept from time to time but she’s getting there. She’s super imaginative, very creative and I think that’s helped her a lot getting through the times when she wanted something we said no to.

        My boys only ever expressed jealousy over a video game but that rarely happened.

  8. Mine is only three so we haven’t really encountered this at all. (Well, we have a *little* bit at the store and she’ll say “let’s take this home” and I tell her, “No, we can’t it’s for someone else” and she’s totally fine with that. I KNOW this won’t last!) Anyhow, I definitely love your insight and will love to see how you manage these challenges as they evolve. 🙂 Hang in there!

  9. My 7 year old frequently asks me when he can have his own phone so that he can talk and play games whenever he wants, like me. I’m not on my phone THAT much but since I can use it whenever I please he thinks I am. And he loves Angry Birds. 😉

    I have no words of advice but I can say that I “feel your pain”. I think it’s just hard these days when they see other kids around them who get so much of that stuff. I mean, I still have some of those feelings and I’m 36! ha!

    And I’ll be reading your comments because I’m interested in what others have to say about this…

    1. Yeah, and I tried to tell her that I can’t have everything I want either, but it didn’t seem to help. She wanted to know “like what”? Then she was off again. LOL.

  10. You answered your own question very well. Stick to your guns, maybe even a little longer than you thought you would. It’s so hard (believe me, I know!), but sometimes when it “hurts” to go without, our kids sometimes realize, once they have the thing, that they don’t really need it that much at all.

    My 8th grader doesn’t have a cell phone (as you know), but since “everyone else has one” I always tell her that makes plenty of people she can borrow from! 🙂

    1. Ha! My 7th grader doesn’t either…we are planning to give her one for 8th grade graduation. She went to Australia as a student ambassador for three weeks this summer (earned 1/2 the money herself to go) and it took her 10 days to call home. So my new comeback when she asks for a phone is, “Well, you went halfway around the world and didn’t call for 10 days…why do you need a phone for running around town?”

  11. Hard, hard topic. I think it’s harder for those who do have the money to buy those things. The kids know you can afford it, and you still don’t buy it for them. And if they have friends with these things, it’s hard. It’s easier for parents (like us) who truly could not afford anything, b/c we can just give that as the reason, and they know it’s true. When I buy their clothes at Goodwill, they know I can’t afford electronics. Our kids often attended private schools, b/c we taught there, but we couldn’t afford “stuff” like the other private school rich kids had. It was very hard for them, but I think it’s developed their character. If I were you, I’d stick hard to your line in the sand on this one, but think through it very clearly ahead of time. Exactly what DO you want them to have, and why? You need a better reason than just to avoid “stuff,” or expense, b/c they can see where you parents are willing to spend big. We’ve had to make our kids pay for their own car insurance and cars. That means no driving till they’re in their 20s. These issues only getting bigger, and harder, as they get older. Tell her you’re happy for her to have her own ipod touch, as long as she buys it. If she wants it enough, she’ll save up.

    The “it’s not fair” mind set comes from seeing friends with these things. Your daughter needs to see that your family is different, that you are distinctive and hold very different standards from other families. This may be hard, but in later years, she will value that her family is unique and different.

    1. I do often tell them that we can’t afford the things they want. While I could technically figure out a way to work it into the budget, I want them to get a sense of not being able to afford every little thing that strikes their fancy because unless they are very very very lucky, there will come a time when they are on their own and they will need to know how to make wise choices. Truly, no one can afford everything they want, because the more you earn, the more you want, so it’s a vicious cycle. I’m sure that explanation went over her 8-year-old head, but hopefully if I’m consistent, she’ll figure it out. 🙂

  12. We’re in the same boat–our 8 and 4 year olds have way more than they need and they know that we can, for the most part, afford stuff. My husband and I grew up without much, so we went overboard early in our kids’ lives, and are now faced with putting on the brakes. It’s hard to change an established pattern–wish we hadn’t started down the path of buying to their hearts’ content. What upsets me most is that they don’t appreciate what they have and I know it’s because they have too much. They just want the next thing, and it’s never enough. I agree, consistency is key. I keep saying “no,” and I know it will be a lifelong project.

  13. Yeah. And it doesn’t get easier. (I hate to be the bearer of bad news). I don’t know the right answer. I also wonder how we can teach our kids to go without when we are not willing to go without the same type things that we expect them to. Which is a very unpopular thing to say amongst parents I realize. I do think if I were willing to live like my parents did, then my child would be more willing to live like I did as a kid and not expect as much. I always chant to myself: “he’s a product of his environment” when I think I am going to strangle him about his request for a material item.

  14. Sounds like my daughter, who at 13 has been doing nothing but talk about an IPod touch. This, after wanting a DS, and getting one for Christmas a few years back. She hardly touches that, now. She has decided to save her money for an IPod touch ( she knows we won’t buy it), which is fine with us, but it will take awhile for her to save that much money. She does check the weekly ads to see if any are on sale. She only mentions a cell phone once in a great while, when her friends call on their phone. But we are firm about no cell phone, and she understands since her sister got hers at 16, when she began driving. As an elementary teacher, I hear students talk about all the electronic things they have, and I am surprised by all of it. They’re shocked when I tell them that I don’t even have cable TV at home ! We aren’t “techies” and don’t have many electronics, so I’m unfamiliar with a lot of what it all is. My 18 yr old just got texting from her grandparents and my husband (his parents) is not happy with them. My advice to you would be to just stick to your word; tell your daughter that your answer is no and you won’t be changing your mind any time soon. I think we can talk to the kids about what it is like going without something, but they sometimes need to see it modeled for them as well. Good luck! Beautiful picture!

    1. Yeah, but see, we are techies and we do have a lot of gadgets and gizmos and that was one thing she was saying, “but YOU have all this stuff.”

      There is no understanding of “yeah, but I”m 39 and I worked for it.”

      But they all learn eventually, right? LOL.

  15. I am sharing this with my daughter who has a 1 yr old…I hope she learns from this post as well as all of your wonderful comments. Thanks for sharing Jo-Lynne!

  16. I’m not sure how much wisdom I have to offer…I’m the mother who told her 12-year-old son that he doesn’t need a Facebook account because kids expose way too much of themselves and every emotion on there and if he really wants people to like him, think he’s cool, or whatever, then it’s better to remain mysterious. We both chuckled after those words came out of my mouth.

    Having her earn the money would be great, but if you really want to stick to your convictions about no 8-year-old needing an ipod touch then stick with that. Also, having kids actually see or help those in need has a huge impact. Maybe during the Christmas season it would be great for her to help buy an angel tree (that’s what we call them in our church) gift. A lot of times the kids list that they would like a warm coat…one time a little girl I had listed that she wanted a new toothbrush. That spoke volumes to my kids…that and when we read Little House in the Big Woods and Laura and Mary were so excited to get a cup and a fork for Christmas. 🙂

    Pray, pray, pray about the best way to help her with this. 🙂

    1. Love the idea to do the Angel Tree. I’ve done that before, but kids were younger and not as aware. And yes. Prayer. 🙂 For ALL of us. Cause we each on our own way feel as she does, she just has such a funny, straight forward way of expressing herself. 🙂

      1. Also, I really don’t think your sweet daughter is a greedy, materialistic, stinker by the way. Hope I didn’t give that impression. I’m certain she’s as sweet as pie! It is something that all of us deal with and certain kids can just get over it but certain ones (I have a few) just get fixated on the “next thing” to get! Sometimes I just stress and worry and forget to pray about this kind of stuff! So important. 🙂

  17. We parent the same way and I think sticking to your “no” is the way to do it. My kids do the same thing. As soon as the Dsi came out my son who had his DS less than a year kept whining about how he needed a DSi and was willing to even save for it himself. We firmly said “no” and have not budged and you know what 2 years later he doesn’t bring it up.

    We have a lot of gadgets in our house but we are late technology adopters and do not have ipod touches at all or the kids don’t have computers or cell phones like many of their friends but guess what they’ve survived. The pursuit of material possessions doesn’t make us happy and kids need to learn they can’t have everything they want. If this is why I get called a “mean mom” or hear it’s “not fair” then I am fine with that because I am doing what is best for them in the long run.

    1. Haha. Love it.

      My son is the one who wants a phone. He has been talking about it for quite a while. He’s not one to say “it’s not fair” or to beg, but he does mention it. OFTEN. There are times I wish he had one, and we will likely get him one for his birthday (he turns 12 in November) but we will have no texting plan on it (it worries me what kids send via texts – and the photos!) and he will need to keep it in a designated spot, charging, so he can take it when he truly needs it (or I truly want to reach him). It’s not expensive with the phone plan we have, and I think it’s time *for us* to go ahead and let him get one.

      Hover, the iPod Touch thing is another matter entirely! LOL. And my dd is 8, not 11, which is a big difference IMO.

  18. My friend and I JUST had this exact conversation last Friday! Both of my kids (4th & 7th) grade have iTouches that they got for Christmas last year…but they were nearly the only gifts they got (other than socks and underwear and a couple of board games). They were upgrades from their Leapsters, lol. We decided to get them b/c both kids are extremely responsible and we have no video game systems of any kind at home…our TWO TVs are 15 and 17 years old and I’m not even sure we could hook a game console up to them, lol.

    We are in the position now for the first time with my business that we DO have the money for all the unnecessary extras, so it is hard to hold back sometimes when we are in a store and they ask, even for something little…but I hate stuff and clutter so I often say no based on that.

    My 7th grader desperately wants a phone, but we are holding off on that until 8th grade graduation (see my comment somewhere above).

    On the other hand, I am an experience whore…I would much rather spend money on travel and other interesting experiences that will allow us to spend time as a family or grow as people. So my 7th grader went to Australia for 3 weeks as a student ambassador this summer (she earned half the tuition herself) and my husband and 4th grader spent 9 days on a bike trip together. I stayed home…alone…it was fabulous, lol.

    1. I am the same about clutter!! Plus I know that often those things they HAVE TO HAVE when they are in the store, end up forgotten by the next day.

      And yes, 9 days alone? DIVINE!

  19. I think you are doing a great job with her and she *will* get it. When our daughter wanted an iTouch two years ago we told her YES…but she would have to earn and save for it herself. She saved her regular allowance and then was able to earn extra $$ by completing chores and tasks that were above and beyond her regular chores. It took her 8 months to save enough and she was helped out a bit by some small bits of birthday cash here and there, but she did it! IT’s interesting though…the iTouch 4 came out a few months after she bought her regular touch and she expressed absolutely ZERO desire to start the whole process over again. One interesting trend I’ve noted at her school = we have a wonderful blend of socioeconomic backgrounds with the kids at school. We have doctors and lawyers kids sitting next to kids whom I know get a reduced or free lunch. There are a handful of “trendsetters” with $$ who *do* seem to have all the gadgets but then alarmingly I see there are kids whom I KNOW live in townhomes and apartments with a single parent or parents who are really struggling and THEY seem to have all of the new gadgets! I seriously don’t get that. I think there may be some compensatory parenting going on ?

    1. I don’t get it sometimes either.

      I love the idea of having her earn it. Either she will stick to it, earn it, and learn the value of it. Or she will decide other things are more important and she’ll never get there. Either way, she’ll learn a valuable life lesson.

  20. We once went pumpkin picking with a friend of my daughter and her family. We picked our normal three pumpkins to represent our three person family as well as a couple of gourds. The other little girl and her sister picked a tremendous number of pumpkins and even more gourds all while there mother was telling them she thought they had enough. They never stopped picking on their own and eventually left in tears and angry because of how unfair their mother was, they just wanted “one more!” Unfortunately this is a pattern that is repeated often in their household.

    My daughter and I talked then about what we’d just observed and often since. I told her sometimes, if you get everything you ask for all the time you don’t learn to value it and therefore don’t find any joy or satisfaction in it. I told her, as hard as she may think it is not to have all the things her friend has, her friend is the one being truly cheated. Her friend is unhappy more often than not, doesn’t value her possessions or the work it took to own them and will always want what she can’t have. There’s always “one more” for her and that she should have our pity rather than envy.

    As my daughter has gotten older and entered Jr High where having the later and greatest is so important, that experience and the way we framed it has become a touchstone in our on-going conversations on this topic. Maybe, in addition to pointing out those who have less, you could also look for examples of those who have more and the dangers there as well.

  21. JL – you’ve done nothing wrong – you’re a great mom! I think it’s just that confangled human nature, which is deep inside all of us: want want want, more more more, now now now. I agree with some of the other comments – maybe working in a shelter or soup kitchen or even a missions trip would open their eyes a bit and put life in perspective. NOT as a punishment, of course – we ALL need perspective. When my girls are older, I would love to do a weekly/monthly volunteer thing with them – so they know what the world is like. With the holidays really creeping up on us, it’s really easy to find work with Toys for Tots or Salvation Army. St. Agnes has the Day Room (or at least they used to) in West Chester – I did some volunteer work there in HS. All in all, I think in time it will pass. It’s good for kids to hear “no” – and it sounds like you are good about putting boundaries up. you have good kids – I think greediness/discontentment is inside all of us.

  22. THIS. This is my life. I hate that I feel like my kids are unappreciative, but I also struggle with how to fix it. Especially because they go to a private school where some of their classmates are billionares and somehow we are the “poor people”. It is hard to explain to your child that they don’t need xyz when they have friends with pools, movie theaters and bowling alleys in their houses.

    That being said, we love their school and the amazing Christian education it provides. So we stay and battle the “I wants”.

    We have tried doing more service in the community for people who have very little. I am not sure it is helping with the “I Wants”, but I do see that it is instilling a heart of generosity in my kids. And I think that is what is important to me. I want them to be generous adults who live within their means. And if their means afford them “toys” but they are also extremely generous than I am ok with that.

    That being said, I have learned that I am not going to win a popularity contest as their mom. My oldest is 8 and many of her friends already have their own phones, DS, and even iPod touches. Mine has none of those. And won’t have any of those for a long time. I am discovering that I am way more strict than most parents around me and I am ok with that.

    I have to keep reminding myself that my parents seemed strict when I was growing up and while I hated it at the time I also secretly knew my parents cared deeply about me and loved that sometimes I got to say no to things I didn’t feel good about and blame them. And now I totally appreciate my upbringing. That is neither here nor there, but I remind myself of it when my daughter is wailing that I am “The WORST parent ever” because she doesn’t have whatever latest thing she MUST own.

  23. Well, you certainly hit a nerve on this one!! haha.

    I know it’s hard to do the chore/allowance thing but that is really the ticket. It’s hard for us, too, and we’re only keeping track of one kid. When Boo sees how hard it is to earn just $10, or how quickly his birthday money goes when he pays for something himself, he’s a little less enthusiastic about that 1,000-piece $105 Lego set that HE LOVES.

    And I think the picture is completely relevant because it shows two satisfied little girls with nothing around them but God’s creation, basking in His love.

  24. When I was a teenager, it was so unfair that I didn’t get to have a phone in my room or a television when almost everyone else did. My parents stuck to their guns and it would have been a major waste to give me my own phone when I never talked on it anyway. It was the fact that everyone else had one. Now that I’m a parent, I’m worried of all the media that is available to children these days and how it could potentially draw them into a world apart from their parents. I don’t regret that I never had a phone or tv in my room. I am so glad everything was shared in the presence of other family members. It was great accountability and we had so much family time that I feel blessed my parents were as strict as they were.

  25. My almost 5yo was perfectly content with everything he had…until about 6 months ago. He doesn’t watch TV, attend daycare, etc. The main store he experiences is the grocery store. But he wants everything he can think of, and wants it now.

    Go figure.

  26. You know, my parents figured out how to keep the “I needs” out of our house. By convincing us we were poor. No, seriously! We bought clothes from Goodwill, rarely went out to eat, and had mostly garage sale toys. We lived in an older home and never had a brand new car. We did go on family vacations but we always drove and spent as little money as possible. We never asked for much because we knew what the answer would be…”we can’t afford it.”

    It wasn’t until I was graduating from HIGH SCHOOL that I realized my dad actually made a six-figure income and that made us “richer” than most of my friends. Trust me, I was completely shocked.

    I’m not sure that I advocate going that route but hey, it worked for me as a child! 😉

  27. We didn’t want our sons to have a nintendo or wii or xbox. The whole video game thing wasn’t for us. They assured us that all of their friends had these things and they were the only ones who didn’t but we stuck to our guns and I’m glad we did.

    Having said that…eventually one of my sons,who was 13 at the time,saved up enough money from his lawn mowing to buy his own xbox. What a quandary! I still didn’t want one in the house…but he had earned this money and worked hard for it.

    I still struggle with this one. I don’t like that xbox! But overall I think that working hard and waiting a long time to earn the money for a special purchase teaches kids that they can’t have everything handed to them by their parents. And my son who is 15 now, is still very proud of his purchase. (and he (usually!) shares very nicely with his brothers who are 17 and 12)

  28. I don’t really think I can add anything here, but when has that ever stopped me! 😉

    Clearly most kids go through these kinds of phases. Sometimes longer than others. Just keep talking about your reasons for it and being consistent and maybe it will sink in. I try to remind myself that their desire for something new doesn’t mean they aren’t grateful for what they have, just that they have a short attention span! Just last night my oldest was talking about wanting a new house. I try not to talk about that too much, because we are very fortunate to have a house at all, even if it does feel small. But I would like a bigger house someday too. So I am honest with them about the things I desire and how I try to work on a spirit of gratitude. The wanting things is not so bad if we don’t let that desire consume us. So I guess what I’m saying is that I can relate to your daughter and to you!

  29. Not quite there yet, as I have a 4 and a 1 year old, though I have noticed my daughter has started more of the “I wants” in stores. But some of the comments took me back to high school. I got my first job (besides babysitting) between my sophomore and junior year working at a Mom and Pop fast food place because I wanted a Letterman’s jacket SOOOO badly. And I knew my parents could never afford it. So I did get that jacket, but a year later than most of my friends, and it wasn’t nearly as “decorative.” But I know for sure I appreciated it more than my friends who got it for their birthdays and didn’t lift a finger to earn it! Definitely taught me a lesson of hard work = appreciation.

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