If You Take Your Kids To The Mall…

They’re going to want to push the buttons that operate the automatic doors.

Of course it’s too convenient that there are two buttons and two children, one button for each child to press.  A fight will probably ensue because both children want to push both buttons.

The fight will soon be forgotten when they see the open corridor that awaits them.

They will race each other down the corridor until child #2 falls flat on her face.

Because the fall impedes her performance in the race, not because there is any injury resulting from said fall, there will be weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth.

In response to the weeping and wailing, an old biddie standing nearby will pass a sanctimonious, disapproving glance toward you.

You will probably smile politely, help up the wailing child, and continue on your way through the mall.  Until you spot the Gap.

The Gap will remind you that you need, okay want a pair of denim capris.

While you look for your size in the pile of denim, your two stroller-less children will play hide-and-seek among the racks of clothes.

You will ask the children at least a hundred-and-seventy times to please be quiet and not touch the clothes.

You may find a few items to try on and must then attempt to corral two rambunctious children into the dressing room with you and Baby, who is becoming impatient in the stroller.

The children will try to amuse Baby with silly antics, including but not limited to freakishly loud burping and tooting noises, shrieks of laughter, and acrobatics that leave marks on the walls and sound like a herd of elephants.

You will probably decide that none of the pants flatter your post-three-pregnancies body and will leave the dressing room empty handed.

On the way out of the dressing room, you will spot the family-friendly bathroom facility conveniently located with public access.  You will pause to meditate on how wonderful the Gap is and how every store should take a freakin’ clue and make public bathroom facilities available and accessible to shopping moms.

The bathroom will remind you that you had two cups of coffee and a glass of water before you left the house, so you will herd both children and the stroller into the restroom.

While everyone does their business, you will probably tell the children about two-hundred-and-forty-five times how dirty public bathrooms are and not to touch anything.

After everyone is pottied and washed and removed from the restroom area, you will notice the Baby Gap section to the rear of the store.

The Baby Gap section will remind you that both children need a few cooler weather clothing items for an upcoming vacation to Maine, so you will take a quick walk-through and select a few basics to purchase.

While you are making your purchase, the children will notice that the counter is the perfect height for chin-ups.

You will ask the children approximately thirty-two times not to hang on the counter while you complete the transaction.

Once the transaction is complete, you and the children will return to the mall and proceed toward the exit door.

On the way to the exit, the children will spot the food court.

The food court reminds them that they are both positively famished, after all they haven’t eaten anything in at least an hour.

To solve their urgent hunger needs, they will demand slushies.  (Because slushies are so filling and nutritious.)

Because you are so kind and generous (read: milk toast) you will purchase a slushie for each child.

Before you have had time to step away from the counter, you will probably overhear a THUD and will subsequently feel chilly wet liquid all over you bare foot.

With a quick glance toward the children, you will soon see the cause for the thud and the chilly wet liquid, as child #2 is holding a lone straw while her cup of slushie is quickly spreading all over the floor.

You might run screaming from the mall like a lunatic.  But more likely, you will count to ten before returning to the slushie counter for napkins.

Perhaps Slushy Lady will take pity and give you a free slushie to replace the casualty on the floor and even offer to call the janitor.

You will pretend not to notice the other patrons looking on, some with amusement, some with contempt, and some with pity.  Or you might turn around and scream, “WOULD IT TAKE TOO MUCH OUT OF YOU TO OFFER A HELPING HAND TO SOMEONE IN NEED??????!”

You probably choose the former and take the freebie slushie, head held high, and make your way to the exit with your entourage in tow.

And chances are, as you approach the exit, your children will notice the buttons that operate the automatic door.

And a fight will probably ensue.